Disappointing Week

Yes, this week has been a disappointment.

I started saving the chapters I work on by the date I started working on them, and now I think that might be a mistake. I opened up the last chapter and saw that I started work on it September 20th. And it's only about half-finished.

I'm not mad at the circumstances, I'm disappointed that I let seven days go by without doing anything. (Though for a few days I felt like a dried-out cow patty.) I'm mad and disappointed in myself for not making the time, despite what's going on, to put words down.

I had the idea that weekends would be time off. But I've learned that I'm not the kind of person who can do that. If I take Saturday and Sunday off, my rebellious brain will find a way to say I shouldn't write Monday either, Monday needs to be about, oh, I don't know, re-grouting the kitchen.

It's self-defeating. I fail before I really begin, therefore I can't be hurt by rejections later. And, as a bonus, I can still say wistfully, "I've always wanted to write," instead of, "I've been querying for five years and still no-go." And this, in part, explains the many times I've just quit over the years.

Yeah, I've got some issues. It's not that I've had a series of bad critiques so I'm scared of what professionals will say. Quite the contrary, I've always had extremely awesome critiques from awesome people who know what they're doing, who always say they want to see what happens next. The group I belonged to had several published authors in it. So that should be encouraging, right?

And... right there. Yep, that's the point my brain gets in the way. My brain says, "Oh, those sweet people. They don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth. You know you can't string two words together coherently."

So, on top of trying to develop a schedule, a pattern of behavior I'll stick to, I'm trying to beat my traitorous brain into submission. I'm trying to tell myself that I don't care if the whole book royally sucks eggs, I'm going to finish it.

So there.

And, from last Thursday until today, I've written 1500 words. Ugh.